Random bonkers stuff.

We do get some queer folk in the business, however, this year, there’s been a couple of odd ones.

The weekend of the Ducati test rides, a coach passed me in the carpark, doing way more than the posted 5mph speed limit. Given the car park was heaving with all sorts of vehicles and, as usual, the general public spending more time looking at their bloody phones than paying attention to anything else. It’s a pretty hazardous place if you’re not paying attention.

So, I meandered up to the back of the business and found the speeding driver and had a word.

“Can I ask you to slow down more when you come into the car park please?”

“What? I wasn’t speeding.” He said, in a whiney voice.

“You were definitely driving a bitty too fast, given how busy the car park is.”

Still not persuaded that I had an opinion based on him nearly running over my toes, he then explained, “Well, It’s difficult you know. This is a new bus. It’s an automatic and it just….goes!”

Trying to keep a straight face, I said, “It’s called a brake and you will find it to the left of your accelerator.” Idiot.

Then a genuine complaint. Really, it was. In our ladies toilet, we provide Arran Aromatics soap and hand cream for our customers. A lady had been in previously and on her next visit, complained that the hand cream had caused her hands to slip off of her steering wheel. And, of course, it was our fault.

One of the toilet seats was broken this week. Glenn went into the cubicle, removed the seat, gave the toilet a good clean. Laid the seat to the side. Locked the door from the outside and went to get a new one. He came back to find a bloke in the loo, having unlocked the door and placed the seat loose on top. Perhaps we should provide more loos? Hmmm.

Apparently there was a guy bought some gold panning kit from the Filling Station. He’d been chased from the village by some locals not happy with them panning in the burn, so came back to us and ranted and raved. “Do you have a map of where the gold panning is?” When we replied, “No.” He basically told us that we should get a fu@king grip. Note to self. Draw a treasure map. I wish I’d been there when he’d said all that. I would have happily drawn a map for him (snigger).

I was staying at Invergordon last week and a chap had a chat with me. He was telling me his son was working in Glasgow and staying in a hotel there. When he was in the bar, some local worthies got chatting to him.

“Hello, son. Staying here tonight?”

“Aye, I am.”

“Och, it’s a cracking hotel. You’ll be in room 5, it’s got an amazing view.”

“No, I’m in room 7, it’s pretty good.”

Needless to say, the next morning he found an extra £58 of drink had been added to his room bill. ROFL!

I had an Elementary Food Hygiene course on recently. One of the lads on it was constantly falling asleep. I can’t understand why he wasn’t riveted to the subject…. Anyway, he scraped a pass. On his way out the door, I said to him to take his book with him. “No, it’s ok, I have one at home.” Maybe he should have read it first then.

One of our team was heard to say to a customer:

“May I bring to your attention our special offer today: buy one slipper, get one free!” Inspired.

And to finish off, it’s been an adventure packed season so far. The short summary:

1 x staff member arrested for attempted murder

1 x staff member arrested for beating up his partner

1 x staff member swearing at a customer and then at a supervisor – aye, watch the door doesn’t slap you on the arse on your way out.

1 x staff member arrived pissed for her new job. Eventually had to be removed by the police and escorted to the train. Legless doesn’t even cover it. And, I never met her. I only saw her in the distance sobbing, sitting under a tree on her suitcase, drinking vodka out of a water bottle. That’s because she was so wrecked leaving the staff quarters, she couldn’t walk in a straight line and did a face plant onto Craig’s lawn. Apparently, she told Helga, who was dealing with all this performance, including going through disciplinary procedures, “You don’t want me working here because I am too pretty.” No hen, you’re a drunk.

Then, happy July! A delivery driver in an HGV, obviously not paying the slightest bit of attention is delivering to door #1. Now, that’s the first delivery door that people go passed first. So, our observant driver reverses towards the delivery bay. Keeps coming. BATTER!! Drives into the open, metal delivery door. So, just to make sure he did a proper job, he moved the lorry forward, reversed and hit it all over again. In the meantime, the staff in the delivery area were screaming, literally.

They thought that the building was going to fall down around their feet. Eventually got him to stop, then he had the cheek to say the door shouldn’t have been open. Huh? Why? So you can reverse that close we can’t open the door at all? So you can have a proper go at knocking down our stores? The fanny wouldn’t even give us his name nor insurance details. How lovely. After all, it was our fault, wasn’t it? Did a damn good job of twisting the door and its hinges.

Then just for good measure, I can add one moonlight flit by a (now ex) member of staff. What’s wrong with people?

Petrol pumps still intact and so is the sense of humour. Thank goodness.