Filling Station Funnies

There were two customers came in. At first I thought they were a ‘couple’, however, it soon became apparent that they were work colleagues. They came up to the counter an the man offered to buy lunch. The lady was adamant that she was going to buy her own. I settled the argument by saying, “Well, it’s all totaled up now!” Shrugging in defeat, the lady said, “I’ll do you tomorrow… OH! You know what I mean!” I suggested that they found a really quiet layby!

A lady looked confused. I asked her if I could help her. “Do you have any fish in here?” I said, “No, we don’t.” She then asked, “Where’s the nearest place I can get fish?” I asked her where she was going and she answered, “Loch Lomond.” I wonder if she got the humour when I said that that Loch Lomond would indeed be the closest place to get fish. I should have been quicker off the mark though. I should have sold her a fishing rod and tackle.

I still laugh about the customer who complained about our After The Rain hand cream in the ladies’ toilet. She had returned after her visit and said that she’d got into her car to drive away and her hands slipped on the steering wheel. What CAN you say to that? Perhaps a warning sign next to it…. “For idiots who use too much of this, it causes a slithery steering wheel”

I know what customers mean when the chat goes like this: “Tea, or what do you think?” the other guy says,”Let’s go an’ see whit Carol wants.” I know this translates as, “I’ve used your loos, now I am going to leave!”

There have been some belters. In this story, I have to say there will be a swearword, however, I’m only going to quote the customer. A quiet day and a lovely couple were in. They were about to pay and the gentleman seemed to be contemplating something. When I asked if I could help, he just laughed and said, “No, you’re fine thanks. I just have to say that the most useless fu@king invention EVER is a resealable bag of chocolates! Who the hell needs that?” I fell about laughing and agreed. Totally. I shared with him the other useless waste of ink. Snickers Duo bars with “1 NOW. 1 LATER.” Really? Surely the first one goes with the first half of your mug of tea… the second with the other half? Duo bars are not for sharing, in my opinion!

“Why does it say WHITE Twix?” The customer asked. “That’s because it’s white chocolate, madam.”

It was a sunny day and a couple of work colleagues approached the counter. “Do you have a defibrillator?” Worried, I asked, “Yes, we do, how can I help?” She answered, “I’m going to need one after I pay for these sunglasses!” I looked at her with wide eyes, and had I not been wearing a facemask, she would have seen my jaw hit the counter. Once I recovered my composure, I said, “They are £12.99 madam. As you can see they are price-marked too. Personally, I think they are great value!” Clearly she didn’t agree… I didn’t give her the free bag for the glasses and it seems I forgot to cut of the labels for her and remove the sticky label too. Nor did I give the lenses a wipe as I do for other customers. What a prize tit.

“Do ya have any Buckfast?” a lad asks. “Yes, we do. Follow the one way system round and you will find it at the bottom of the third fridge.” Much rolling of eyes. When he came back to the counter, he raved a bit, saying, “For fu@ks sake, can you not have it at the counter like every other place!” “No!” was my reply, “If something tastes THAT bad, I’m going to make you walk as far as possible for it!”

A local came in after putting £70 of fuel into his aged Freelander. I laughed hard when he said, “That’s how you double the value of a Freelander!”

We can sometimes get it wrong. We’re human after all. A regular customer came in and it was breakfast time. I asked if he wanted a hot filled roll. “No,” was his reply, “The last time I had a link roll, it was a wee bit peely-wally!” I apologised and said I would let the wee team know and said, “Nothing worse than a peely-wally sausage!”

When I haven’t been selling pies in the Filling Station, I’ve been helping with the Internet order processing. The best bit is what I call boxercise. That involves labeling and shifting orders onto a pallet waiting to get collected. The best I have managed was over 300 on the lead up to Christmas. It’s hard work. I then hand-balled all 300 to the driver. I was knackered that night! A lot of concentration is need, especially when we put the orders through on the EPOS system. The books have to be balanced after all.

One day, I was on EPOS, processing the orders and the label machine spits out the next batch of labels. When Craig gets carried away (he’s super quick) you can sometimes hear, “Oh, FFS, Craig. I can’t keep up!” So, I’m concentrating, and Ed calls through to let me know there were more labels to go on the boxes. (I knew that of course, I could hear the printer spitting the labels out at Craig warp speed.) I don’t know what was wrong with Ed’s arms at that point… So, he says, “That’s the labels for you!” I answered, “I’m a bit busy right now.” His witty reply was, “I thought you women could multi-task!” I thought it was better that I didn’t reply. Susie did though, “Aye, she can do what she’s doing and tell you to fu@k off at the same time!” I was laughing so hard I cried!

A woman walked in. Random. Never clapped eyes on her in my life. She was carrying what looked like a pretty heavy carrier bag, the contents the size of a football. She dumps it on the counter with a heavy clunk and says she’s got change in the bag and could we swap it for her. We. Are. Not. A. Bank. What a bloody cheek! Fair enough if it was all bagged and already counted, I’d have consider it…

We do get shoplifters. One blatantly tried to steal a charger for her phone. I saw her try to sneak it into her bag that I had loaded full of purchases. I pointed out that I hadn’t scanned it, so she turns round and picks a second one out of a pile of sweeties and asked what price they were. Busted. Sneaky cow!

We’ve had issues with our coffee machine in the Filling Station and for a number of weeks have been nursing it very carefully. One day, I was at the end of my tether, and was still trying to sweet-talk the machine to behave. It was a particularly busy Saturday, the first day people were able to travel legally. We were getting a hammering. There was a customer at the machine and a motorcyclist waiting. I sorted out the issue, and the lady customer waiting said, “It must be a male machine!” The biker waiting said, as quick as a flash, “At least if it’s a male machine it can be sorted out with logic. If it was female, then you would need to sit down with a cuppa and give it at least 2 hours of counselling before it would sort itself out!” I needed that laugh. The lady and I were bent double laughing. The motorcyclist apologised for being sexist!! The wee machine has been working again. Pressure is off it now the main business is open. I think I heard it sigh with relief.

We know people come in, use our hand sanitiser (most of them), use the loo, toilet roll, electricity, water, hand soap, heat, light and bugger off and not buy a thing. I get it. It does annoys me though. It particularly irks Barna too. We’ve both had quality grumbles behind the counter recently. Now, a word of warning. Do not… I mean DO NOT dare walk in, use our loo, then take your nice click-box of your pasta lunch and then have the audacity to heat it up in OUR microwave and walk straight out the door. I can’t remember the last time I had such a quality rage. “How dare you. You have a cheek, and all you needed to do was ask!” was part of the gob-full he got.

I get called the pie queen. I’m pretty good at selling our home made pies. There’s one lovely HGV driver who calls me a bitch when he comes in. I nearly always succeed in persuading him to have a pie if he’s feeling particularly weak-willed. I’ve had one driver ask me to marry him as long as I fed him with pies. He’s pretty damn good looking and considered saying yes. I asked a motorcyclist if he wanted a pie. “I’d love a pie.” He said, “however, I’ve lost 4 stone in the last year and I’m not going to put it back on!” I congratulated his achievement and said that he will feel a difference riding his motorbike. “Oh yes, AND when someone rides behind me, it doesn’t look like I’ve shat a motorbike any more!”

A customer came in and asked me for a ‘thingy’. She was holding up her hands, making a shape like a rectangle. Now, what could that be? A book? A box of tissues? Photo frame? A large, expensive bar of chocolate? No, it was one of the thingies in the window, over in the main business. Once we’d worked out what the thingy was and I got one brought across, she then asked, “Has my man come in?” Really? How do I know what her man looks like? I said to her, gesturing with my hands, “I don’t know, is he tall? Short? Fat? Balding? Cheerful?” I did get her laughing…

“Any fuel today?” Serban asks. “A sausage roll please!” Perfect.

Through the winter, there was a large police presence up the road, looking for evidence of the missing cyclist, who disappeared 3 years ago. We were lucky enough to be asked to provide them with lunch. Soup and sandwich pack-ups kept our wee team of one busy every day. THE best moment though, was when a young lass, who was obviously new to policing was filling up their vehicle with fuel. I’m watching from the window in the Filling Station as she manages to connect her handcuffs to the diesel hose. Much calling for help from her colleague to get her loose. It didn’t take very long for her other colleagues to hear about it too. According to our local PC, he’s done it as well. Oh, how embarrassing.

To finish this wee blog, a wee ghost story. Nichola came to find me first thing. She looked a bit pale. She explained that she had heard a noise up stairs. That means the attic, which is a general storage area. What was worrying, the automatic attic lights were on. That means ‘something’ had triggered the sensors. Tentatively, I go up the stairs. I look around. I can’t see anything. I go further into the depths of the attic, triggering the automatic lights as I go, not knowing what to expect. The tension is rising. The last corner I go round, I couldn’t help but let out a little ‘EEK’, when I saw this:

We never did find out where the noise came from. Probably Uncle Jimmy. I nearly had to go home to change my pants.

Do you have that ‘outside voice’ that sometimes you REALLY hope is actually your inside voice? A guy walks in and asks if we have a cash machine. I said, “Yes, we do. Just come round the one-way system.” He then in the whiniest voice you can ever imagine says, “Oh, do I really have to?” Even with his mask on, you could see the ‘I can’t be arsed going round a one-way system’ look. I rolled my eyes, then apparently my ‘outside voice’ took over. “Oh for goodness sake, you just have to walk 5 yards this way, ya fanny! If you can’t be bothered, hand me your card and give me your pin…” I haven’t confessed to this before. I was waiting to read a (deservedly) scathing review from the customer who burst out laughing at the time. I’ve waited 3 months now, so I think I’m safe.

That’s all for now folks!